


Love Me Gently

by raendown



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 13:49:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10388031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raendown/pseuds/raendown
Summary: There were a lot of things that Madara would never understand about Kakashi.Takes place in an AU where Madara lives through the fourth war and re-settles in Konoha.





	

There were a lot of things that Madara would never understand about Kakashi. 

He was forever in awe, for example, of the way the man’s hair stood straight up on his head even when it was dripping wet. The coarse strands defied gravity in a manner which could not be explained no matter how Kakashi tried to tame it with combs, clips, or even gel. 

He would always be baffled by the way Kakashi could be three hours late every single time they made plans to go somewhere, yet always seem to be right there when you actually needed him. It was as if he could telepathically hear someone thinking “ _I wish Kakashi was here_ ” and was capable of moving through space and time to fulfill that need. But show up on time for a date? Never. 

He had also never understood the strange shenanigans that Kakashi routinely got up to with that Gai fellow. Their ‘competitions’ ranged from physical feats of strength to seeing who could fit the most marshmallows in their mouth. Whenever the two of them got together, he had learned to steer clear. Strange things often occurred and he had the unfortunate habit of getting pulled in to the madness somehow. 

Out of all the things that he didn’t understand about Kakashi, however, there was only one that truly bothered him. He could not understand why Kakashi flinched every time Madara reached out to touch him. 

It wasn’t as if they never touched. They sparred often and their sex life was quite healthy thank-you-very-much. Both of these things required a great deal of physical contact. Yet, outside of these two activities Kakashi seemed to erect a constant barrier of space around himself that he didn’t allow anyone to violate. If Madara sat close he would slide away. If Madara reached out to brush at his hair he jerked back. He sometimes tried to hold on to Kakashi after being intimate but the man always wriggled away as if his touch were now unbearable.

One incident always stuck out in his mind when contemplating the issue. It had been a few months after their friendship had developed in to something romantic. Their relationship had been consummated multiple times and nearly half the village still gawked at them every time they were seen in public together. The fact that they were dating was no secret. But when Madara had tried to reach out and hold Kakashi’s hand that day the man had looked at him with what could only be described as utter horror in his eyes; it had almost bordered on terror. He hadn’t even bothered with an excuse before bolting away. 

Possibly what bothered him the most was that he had never received an explanation for what had happened, which left his mind free to come up with some truly terrible possibilities of his own. The worst of the lot was the idea that Kakashi – his beautiful, precious Kakashi – was afraid of him. He wanted to think the idea was ridiculous. He would never harm a hair on that wonderful man’s head and he would tear apart anyone who dared to try. However, Madara was also disgustingly aware of the crimes he had committed in the past. He had hurt Kakashi before, as well as his friends. He had been behind the death of Kakashi’s childhood teammate. Depressingly, the idea had merit. 

Madara went back and forth for weeks on whether to bring it up or not. He was always held back by fear of what the answer might be. Everyone has a breaking point though, and Madara had never been good at holding what he felt inside. So as the two of them were alone on a walk through the woods and Madara reached for Kakashi’s hand, when his lover flinched away without even trying to be subtle about it the floodgates finally opened. 

“Kakashi, there’s not even anyone here!” The exclamation was fairly contained for him, which he was rather proud of. Kakashi had the nerve to blink at him in confusion. 

“Heh?” Ever eloquent, Kakashi tilted his head to the side in question. The two of them slowed to a stop while Madara drew his brows down in a self-conscious grimace. 

“If it is because you are…ashamed of me, there is no one here,” he managed to grind out between his teeth. His partner blinked at him. 

“If what is-? No skip that. You think I’m ashamed of you?” The younger man looked horrified at the idea, which at least put one of Madara’s theories to rest. But it didn’t give the full explanation so he forged ahead like the stubborn bull he was. 

“I have noticed that you seem unable to stand my touch. I had thought perhaps you were ashamed to be seen with someone such as me. Apparently that’s not it.” The man who was once head of one of the strongest and largest clans in all the five nations took a deep breath in, feeling very small. “I had also thought that you…loved me. Was I wrong?” 

Upon looking up, Madara immediately wished he could take the words back and hide them somewhere deep inside where they would never again put such a look on his favorite face. Kakashi looked devastated, almost broken by his question. The younger man took a few shaky breaths, his eyes suspiciously wet, and swallowed harshly before answering. 

“I do love you,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.” He looked down, silver hair falling around him to obscure his eyes. Madara frowned in confusion.

“I don’t understand, Kakashi,” he tried again, desperately searching for what words would make things ok again. “I’m not sure what it is you have to apologize for. If you don’t want me to touch you I will not. I only wanted to understand.” 

Almost worse than putting that look on Kakashi’s face was the knowledge that he could do little to remove it. Every instinct in him cried out for him to reach out and bring Kakashi in to his embrace, stroke his hair or run a hand down his arm. But he knew that the gesture would only make things worse. He wanted to comfort his partner, but how could he when physical touch was so obviously unwelcome? 

The younger man lifted a hand to rub at the nape of his neck, looking immensely uncomfortable, as he spoke haltingly, “It’s not you Madara. I love you with every broken bit of me. But that right there is the problem. _I’m broken_. I don’t…like it when people touch me. It freaks me out because…because I see it as an attack. I can’t help it. I grew up on battlefields with no one waiting for me at home to bring me out of that mindset. I had no one to hold me and say it was okay. The only physical contact I had from age five until I got a genin team was fighting. To the death or sparring, either way it was _battle_.”

Madara could feel the tremor in his limbs and the water in his eyes but he stayed silent and let Kakashi speak. 

“It isn’t that I don’t _want_ to touch you. When I was very little I remember I enjoyed it when my father touched my hair. I want to be able to lean against you or…or hold your hand. But when I try all I think about is just how much blood I’ve had on my hands. I think about it rubbing off on you. Or I think about how your hand could hurt me and I panic. Madara I’m sorry, I know you want-“

“Kakashi.” The silver haired man cut off when Madara called his name gently. “You don’t have to be sorry. Thank you for helping me understand.” 

Kakashi expelled a shaky breath and looked away as he mumbled, “I wish I could give you the things you want.” 

“You are everything I want,” Madara corrected him. “And I already have you.” 

When a single tear finally escaped Kakashi’s control and trickled down to the mask pulled down under his chin, Madara pretended not to see it and clasped his hands behind his back. 

When Kakashi slowly inched closer to grace him with a shy and gentle kiss, Madara allowed their lips to be the only point of contact and he allowed his lover to slip away again with no protest. 

Knowing what he did now put an entire new spin on every single touch they had ever shared. The sheer weight of how difficult it was for Kakashi made Madara aware of just how much their relationship must mean to the other man if he was willing to go through what he did every time their skin brushed together, all just to show him an ounce of affection.

Madara smiled to himself and silently promised to cherish each and every embrace from here on out. Perhaps it was something they could work on together. Perhaps it was something Kakashi could bring up with the therapist that Madara wasn’t supposed to know he’d been seeing. Or perhaps it was simply something that would persist for the rest of their lives. It didn’t matter. Either way, Madara would love him.


End file.
